i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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