First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
