I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
the condom got lost in my hair
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize