My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
