Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
