I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
