No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Randomize
