just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
