I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
