he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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