i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
