I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you win again, gameday.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
