How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just want nice things and good sex
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
