youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize