I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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