Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
