I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
