RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
