I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
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