So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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