Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize