just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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