i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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