I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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