My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
this hospital has no fireball
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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