party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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