Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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