She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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