yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
