my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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