oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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