I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
