grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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