nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
