Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
