Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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