I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize