At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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