Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
