hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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