No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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