Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize