I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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