I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
