he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would fuck him just for his dog
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
