I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
