On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love having hate sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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