Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
