oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
