somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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