Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
