They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
a search helicopter?!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
