She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
