I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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