He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
